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12-12-2005, 06:05 PM
I'll start out with a few. Please add any that you have.
1)
A car breaks down along the expressway one morning, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. After pulling over, he jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history. When questioned by the police as to why he put two deviants along the side of the road, the man replied, âI broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!â
2)
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully in her sleep. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows: "RETURNED UNOPENED"
3)At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
4)
A man is walking down the beach one day when he comes across a lamp laying in the sand. Picking it up he brushes the sand off of it and a genie comes out. The genie looks the man over before telling him. "I am the genie of this lamp and i will grant you three wishes but be warned for every wish you make your mother-in-law will get double." The man thinks a moment then nods. "Ok genie for my first wish i want a billion dollars." The genie gives the man a curious glance. "Remember your mother-in-law will get double." The man nods. "I understand now for my second wish i want a nice sports car that will never need to be gassed or have any fluids changed, and it will never get a dent or have any problems at all." The genie nods. "You do realize your mother-in-law will get double sir?" The man nods again. "Yes i do." The genie sighs. "Ok sir, you wish is granted, Now what would you like for your third wish?" The man smiles and looks the genie in the eye and says. "I wish to be beaten half to death."
5)
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it...."
6)
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A Circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
7)A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
8)
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, began to moan and, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, squealed, then shuddered violently once more. The man became concerned thinking that the Assuming that the woman was becoming seriously ill. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again, wiped her nose and began to shake once again even more than before. With this, the concerned gentlemen rang for the flight attendant and explained that he feared that his fellow passenger was possibly very ill. The pretty young flight attendant approached the woman and asked "Are you OK?
The woman replied "I am sorry if I caused any disruption but I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The gentlemen passenger was astonished and said " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. " Are you taking anything for it?"
"Yes," the woman said . "Pepper."
9)A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you" look, and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store. The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself--"What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! "
Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE--during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college--perhaps he did father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the gir! l I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!
10)A blonde gets on an airplane and goes straight to 1st class and sits down. The stewardess comes by and tells her she has to move to her seat in coach. She tells the stewardess " I'm blonde, and beautiful and going to Dallas." The stewardess doesn't know what to do to get her to move so she goes to the cockpit. She explains the situation to the pilot and co-pilot. The co-pilotgoes back and tells her she has to go to her seat in coach. She again says " I'm blonde, and beautiful and going to Dallas."
He goes back and tells the pilot he had no success. The pilot says " I have a blonde wife. I know how to speak blonde." He goes back and whispers in her ear. She says " Oh, I didn't know" and moves back to her coach seat. The stewardess and the co-pilot both want to know what he said to make her move. The pilot says I just told her that 1st class wasn't going to Dallas!
1)
A car breaks down along the expressway one morning, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. After pulling over, he jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history. When questioned by the police as to why he put two deviants along the side of the road, the man replied, âI broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!â
2)
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone:
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN.
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully in her sleep. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows: "RETURNED UNOPENED"
3)At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
4)
A man is walking down the beach one day when he comes across a lamp laying in the sand. Picking it up he brushes the sand off of it and a genie comes out. The genie looks the man over before telling him. "I am the genie of this lamp and i will grant you three wishes but be warned for every wish you make your mother-in-law will get double." The man thinks a moment then nods. "Ok genie for my first wish i want a billion dollars." The genie gives the man a curious glance. "Remember your mother-in-law will get double." The man nods. "I understand now for my second wish i want a nice sports car that will never need to be gassed or have any fluids changed, and it will never get a dent or have any problems at all." The genie nods. "You do realize your mother-in-law will get double sir?" The man nods again. "Yes i do." The genie sighs. "Ok sir, you wish is granted, Now what would you like for your third wish?" The man smiles and looks the genie in the eye and says. "I wish to be beaten half to death."
5)
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it...."
6)
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A Circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
7)A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude. Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
8)
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, began to moan and, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, squealed, then shuddered violently once more. The man became concerned thinking that the Assuming that the woman was becoming seriously ill. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again, wiped her nose and began to shake once again even more than before. With this, the concerned gentlemen rang for the flight attendant and explained that he feared that his fellow passenger was possibly very ill. The pretty young flight attendant approached the woman and asked "Are you OK?
The woman replied "I am sorry if I caused any disruption but I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The gentlemen passenger was astonished and said " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. " Are you taking anything for it?"
"Yes," the woman said . "Pepper."
9)A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you" look, and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store. The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself--"What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! "
Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE--during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college--perhaps he did father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the gir! l I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second grade teacher!
10)A blonde gets on an airplane and goes straight to 1st class and sits down. The stewardess comes by and tells her she has to move to her seat in coach. She tells the stewardess " I'm blonde, and beautiful and going to Dallas." The stewardess doesn't know what to do to get her to move so she goes to the cockpit. She explains the situation to the pilot and co-pilot. The co-pilotgoes back and tells her she has to go to her seat in coach. She again says " I'm blonde, and beautiful and going to Dallas."
He goes back and tells the pilot he had no success. The pilot says " I have a blonde wife. I know how to speak blonde." He goes back and whispers in her ear. She says " Oh, I didn't know" and moves back to her coach seat. The stewardess and the co-pilot both want to know what he said to make her move. The pilot says I just told her that 1st class wasn't going to Dallas!
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12-13-2005, 06:43 PM
Those jokes are hillarious!
12-17-2005, 04:39 AM
what does a moped and a fat girl have in common?
they are both fun to ride until your friends find out
they are both fun to ride until your friends find out
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