[Arbys Man]

Fletcher Declares State of Emergency in Kentucky
Governor Ernie Fletcher has asked President George Bush to declare a federal state of emergency in Kentucky due to the Wildcat's three game losing streak. Governor Fletcher had already declared a local state of emergency when the cats lost two pointless games in a row, however the second three game losing streak of the season prompted desperate measures.
"I have determined that two losing streaks of such magnitude in one season are more than out local government can burden. This past year has brought us many disasters, from Hurricane Katrina to, well, Hurricane Katrina. The death and devastation of that natural disaster pales in comparison to the loss that Kentucky fans are feeling right now. The only way to recover is federal funding which will be wasted by a state run task force."
Suggestions on how to use the soon to be received money are pouring in. Among the favorites are purchasing thousands of paper bags and dog poop to light on Tubby Smith and/or Rick Pitino's front porches or buy a time machine to go back to the "glory days" or Kentucky basketball. Another popular suggestion is purchasing a "fountain of youth." The task force would kidnap Travis Ford, Dan Issel, Jamal Mashburn, and Antoine Walker and throw them in the fountain when no one is looking. Last but not least, many fans would like a portion of the money so they can buy back their souls from Satan.
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