[Old School Hound]

I don't know if this will be cathartic or just makes things worse, but I told you I would always be honest with you and be true to who I am  and what I'm experiencing in my life. If there are others here who are going through some of the same things, maybe it will help knowing you are not alone here. I have struggled with mental illness for some time now(SHOCKER, I know...lol). But after the sudden passing of my mother a couple years ago,  things in my mind that were bad got magnified and exascerbated. It has become an insidious monster of the mind.  The depression is , indeed, crippling. The best way I could describe it is to think of the one thing that makes you sadder than you've ever been in your life, and then imagine feeling sad like that 24/7. 

Having parents(and step parents) that are very sick, dying, or already passed has contributed in a major way to triggering the devastating depressive thoughts and feelings. The physical pain hasn't helped, either. Terrible knee pain due to years of running make it hard to sleep. Trying to care for animals that I can no longer physically or mentally care for takes the stress to another level and triggers more depression. It's a vicious cycle of sadness-depression-pain-more sadness-more depression-more pain, that never ends.

It is a battle, good folks, that I am losing.  I am battling hard but I feel like it is overwhelming me, overtaking me, suffocating every ounce of joy that remains.  These are the times that I do envy the sincere folks who rely upon faith to help them when the going gets tough. Unfortunately, that's not something I have to fall back on. I'm alone in this fight... and I'm losing. In the past, I have kinda dismissed it as something I will eventually shake free of. Now, I can forsee this inner demon eventually taking my life. Deep down, it's not what I want to happen but it is becoming what I feel will happen.

I wish there was a way to get a reset. Just start anew, fresh,  without the monster inside. The Spirit , Soul, Inner Being , Core...whatever term one uses for that deeper part of oneself that connects to the Universe in a way that makes everything meaningful and purposeful needs healing. Maybe medications can help. Maybe medication is just a start and one just has to find something within himself to vanish the monster inside. I don't know.  I just know I'm losing this fight. Will it reach a point where recovering one's self is no longer possible and insanity wins forever.

If there is anyone else who suffers from  a dark depression and you fight with yourself and against yourself every day? I mean , we all have our days when we  feel beaten down by circumstances in life , right?  Do you ever feel like it's getting the better of you? Is there a way to find a healing for a hurting spirit that doesn't involve religion. To me, that question is rhetorical, as I don't think religion is a necessary ingredient but I also don't know that there are any magical healing hands or any healing rain that can wash away all of the sadness and give abundant life to pure joy, again. 

I wish there was a way out of this that didn't involving taking my last breath.  Hope to find an answer...


Baby you're missing something in the air
I got a name but it don't matter
What's going on, it's cold in here
You have a life but it's torn and tattered

Maybe you're losing pieces of your heart
You have a world but it stopped turning
You lose the day and gain the dark
Love was a fire but it stopped burning

Spare your heart, save your soul
Don't drag your love across the coals
Find your feet and your fortune can be told
Release, relax, let go
And hey now let's recover your soul

Lazy old sunset sinking like a tear
Alone at night in a losing battle
That perfect world is never clear
You have to fight for the things that matter




https://youtu.be/urcrIC0fXDg?list=RDurcrIC0fXDg

Dang buddy this makes me super sad. I wish I knew what to say...All I can tell you is I want to come drink beer with you and talk about women, music and sports.
I will try to make a couple suggestions and if you at least try them and in return I will vote for the Democratic candidate for president in 2028. I'm serious.

First, think of 10 things you are thankful for, first thing every day. You can start with TG not being a part of Corbin football lol...
When you think of family, just think of it as being eternally grateful for the time you had with them. And hope and believe you see them again, in eternal life. Which leads to the most important thing: Find God, save yourself for eternity.
Go to your old church in Corbin. You gave up on God not because of him but because you thought a few of the people there were bad. Go back there for a service. I guarantee the message will be 100% positive and there will be zero hate for any other person, race, religious or political beliefs there. Read the Bible as a history book even if you don't believe some of it. 
And finally, don't stay mad at people who have different opinions that you. It's just upsetting. And don't stay mad at political parties or politicians. THEY AREN'T WORTH IT.
Don't think you're alone either. I read somewhere the vast majority of people are dumpster fires. Even the people who seem to have it all are dealing with inner issues we can only imagine. Check out the CEO worth $1.2 BILLION at the Coldplay concert and how his life is now in the sh!tter...It's funny to most including me but not to him lol...

Please try some of this. I wish you the best. I have enjoyed your posts on here. You have way too much to offer to think your life is no longer worth much. Hang in there and beers soon, And remember if you try the church part it will lift your spirits and buy a Democrat vote to boot lol.

You know how much I love you, Jet. I will take all of your suggestions to heart. I want to get better. I want to survive. I don't want this to take me under, though I feel that is definitely happening. Suicide has always just been a passing thought, nothing to be taken seriously.   It's still hard to fathom but it's no longer just a passing thought that is easily cast aside. I know that I am sick. I just don't know the way out of the sickness. Be certain of one thing, Old School doesn't do anything in boring fashion. I won't be curled up in a fetal position with an empty bottle of pills by my bedside. If I go by way of my own hands, look for me to go out in style. More likely, they'd find me all decked out in my Redhound attire hanging by the neck from the goalpost at Campbell Field/ Denes Stadium. It's a macabre thought, but a genuine thought. I just hope it's not Greer who takes me down from the goalposts.