[Old School Hound]

I don't know if this will be cathartic or just makes things worse, but I told you I would always be honest with you and be true to who I am  and what I'm experiencing in my life. If there are others here who are going through some of the same things, maybe it will help knowing you are not alone here. I have struggled with mental illness for some time now(SHOCKER, I know...lol). But after the sudden passing of my mother a couple years ago,  things in my mind that were bad got magnified and exascerbated. It has become an insidious monster of the mind.  The depression is , indeed, crippling. The best way I could describe it is to think of the one thing that makes you sadder than you've ever been in your life, and then imagine feeling sad like that 24/7. 

Having parents(and step parents) that are very sick, dying, or already passed has contributed in a major way to triggering the devastating depressive thoughts and feelings. The physical pain hasn't helped, either. Terrible knee pain due to years of running make it hard to sleep. Trying to care for animals that I can no longer physically or mentally care for takes the stress to another level and triggers more depression. It's a vicious cycle of sadness-depression-pain-more sadness-more depression-more pain, that never ends.

It is a battle, good folks, that I am losing.  I am battling hard but I feel like it is overwhelming me, overtaking me, suffocating every ounce of joy that remains.  These are the times that I do envy the sincere folks who rely upon faith to help them when the going gets tough. Unfortunately, that's not something I have to fall back on. I'm alone in this fight... and I'm losing. In the past, I have kinda dismissed it as something I will eventually shake free of. Now, I can forsee this inner demon eventually taking my life. Deep down, it's not what I want to happen but it is becoming what I feel will happen.

I wish there was a way to get a reset. Just start anew, fresh,  without the monster inside. The Spirit , Soul, Inner Being , Core...whatever term one uses for that deeper part of oneself that connects to the Universe in a way that makes everything meaningful and purposeful needs healing. Maybe medications can help. Maybe medication is just a start and one just has to find something within himself to vanish the monster inside. I don't know.  I just know I'm losing this fight. Will it reach a point where recovering one's self is no longer possible and insanity wins forever.

If there is anyone else who suffers from  a dark depression and you fight with yourself and against yourself every day? I mean , we all have our days when we  feel beaten down by circumstances in life , right?  Do you ever feel like it's getting the better of you? Is there a way to find a healing for a hurting spirit that doesn't involve religion. To me, that question is rhetorical, as I don't think religion is a necessary ingredient but I also don't know that there are any magical healing hands or any healing rain that can wash away all of the sadness and give abundant life to pure joy, again. 

I wish there was a way out of this that didn't involving taking my last breath.  Hope to find an answer...


Baby you're missing something in the air
I got a name but it don't matter
What's going on, it's cold in here
You have a life but it's torn and tattered

Maybe you're losing pieces of your heart
You have a world but it stopped turning
You lose the day and gain the dark
Love was a fire but it stopped burning

Spare your heart, save your soul
Don't drag your love across the coals
Find your feet and your fortune can be told
Release, relax, let go
And hey now let's recover your soul

Lazy old sunset sinking like a tear
Alone at night in a losing battle
That perfect world is never clear
You have to fight for the things that matter




https://youtu.be/urcrIC0fXDg?list=RDurcrIC0fXDg