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There will be no dating at my house for a 
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12-05-2007, 09:14 PM
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful Tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking
the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman
shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her
off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful Tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking
the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman
shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her
off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
12-05-2007, 09:17 PM
Midee1 Wrote:I have a twelve year old son. I bet he could pass that application.Your killing me.
12-05-2007, 09:24 PM
Two rednecks go huntin. Let's say their names are Earl and Billy Bob.
While they are sittin in their tree stand Earl looks at Billy Bob and says, "Hey Billy Bob, if I do your wife and she gets pregnant, would that make us related?" Billy Bob laughs and says, "Nope, just even."
While they are sittin in their tree stand Earl looks at Billy Bob and says, "Hey Billy Bob, if I do your wife and she gets pregnant, would that make us related?" Billy Bob laughs and says, "Nope, just even."
12-05-2007, 09:28 PM
ComfortEagle Wrote:Do it.Didn't know I had to put them in a certain spot. Sorry. Will not post any more. I didn't know there was a rule too it.
12-05-2007, 10:11 PM
[YOUTUBE="Do It"]0wP9D6tYRAU[/YOUTUBE]
Aww come on, I was quoting Ben Stiller.
Aww come on, I was quoting Ben Stiller.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
12-08-2007, 11:31 PM
Seeing Eye Dogs
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the one with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
A man at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The man at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The man at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The man at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the one with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.
A man at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The man at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The man at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The man at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"
12-19-2007, 01:36 PM
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks, "Why?"
"Because you got an F in Sex!
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks, "Why?"
"Because you got an F in Sex!
12-19-2007, 08:36 PM
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a
mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were
strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, what's that?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I
ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to
watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to
light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a
gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son: "Boy.............go gitcha Momma.............."
If you need assistance feel free to e-mail me at:
[email=phs1986@bluegrassrivals.com]phs1986@bluegrassrivals.com[/email]
12-28-2007, 11:56 AM
NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread
and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard
business.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,
begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is
in real distress.
[B]
[B][B]One of the hillbillies looks at her and says 'Kin ya swallar?' The [/B]
[B]woman shakes her head no. [/B]
[/B][/B][B] [/B][B] [/B][B]
[B][B]'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her [/B]
[B]head no. [/B]
[/B][/B][B] [/B][B] [/B][B]
[B][B]The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, [/B]
[B]yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a [/B]
[B]lick with his tongue. [/B]
[/B][/B][B] [/B][B] [/B][B]
[B][B]The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the [/B]
[B]obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, [/B]
[B]the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. [/B]
[/B][/B][B] [/B][B] [/B][B]
[B][B]His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd 'bout that there 'Hind Lick [/B]
[B]Manuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it. ' [/B][/B][/B]
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering their cornbread
and beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard
business.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,
begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is
in real distress.
[B]
[B][B]One of the hillbillies looks at her and says 'Kin ya swallar?' The [/B]
[B]woman shakes her head no. [/B]
[/B][/B][B] [/B][B] [/B][B]
[B][B]'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her [/B]
[B]head no. [/B]
[/B][/B][B] [/B][B] [/B][B]
[B][B]The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, [/B]
[B]yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a [/B]
[B]lick with his tongue. [/B]
[/B][/B][B] [/B][B] [/B][B]
[B][B]The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the [/B]
[B]obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, [/B]
[B]the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. [/B]
[/B][/B][B] [/B][B] [/B][B]
[B][B]His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd 'bout that there 'Hind Lick [/B]
[B]Manuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it. ' [/B][/B][/B]
If you need assistance feel free to e-mail me at:
[email=phs1986@bluegrassrivals.com]phs1986@bluegrassrivals.com[/email]
12-28-2007, 12:01 PM
[SIZE=2][SIZE=3][SIZE=2][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][SIZE=2][SIZE=3][SIZE=2]
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse,
Evelyn , took me to an examining room
After putting on the gown that she gave me, I sat down.
While waiting, I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table:[/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE]
and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me, I sat down.
While waiting, I observed that there were three items
on a stand next to the exam table:[/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][SIZE=3][SIZE=2][I]a Tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.[/I][/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][SIZE=2][SIZE=3]
[SIZE=2]
When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the
[SIZE=2]
When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam.
I know what the
K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for,[/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][SIZE=3][SIZE=2]but can you tell me what the BEER is for ?[/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE][SIZE=2][SIZE=3]
[SIZE=2]
At that, Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed
over to the door
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse......
over to the door
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse......
Darn it Evelyn
!!!!!!!!!!! [/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE]
[SIZE=2][SIZE=3][SIZE=5]I said a BUTT LIGHT "[/SIZE][/SIZE][/SIZE]
If you need assistance feel free to e-mail me at:
[email=phs1986@bluegrassrivals.com]phs1986@bluegrassrivals.com[/email]
12-31-2007, 11:59 PM
What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield? It's Butt
12-31-2007, 11:59 PM
He Got The Bird, Or The Bird Got Him!
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost.
The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird.
The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school.
When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!"
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much the bird cost.
The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She told the owner that she still wanted the bird.
The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school.
When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!"
01-01-2008, 12:00 AM
MERRY CHRISTMAS! A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. "P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
01-01-2008, 12:48 AM
Redneck Wrote:Two rednecks go huntin. Let's say their names are Earl and Billy Bob.
While they are sittin in their tree stand Earl looks at Billy Bob and says, "Hey Billy Bob, if I do your wife and she gets pregnant, would that make us related?" Billy Bob laughs and says, "Nope, just even."
haha, I love this one.
01-10-2008, 09:12 AM
A couple, hosting a dinner party, were interrupted when the maid called the hostess to the kitchen.
"Ma'am, the cat climbed up on the kitchen counter and ate the middle of the salmon."
Light on her feet, the hostess told her to replace the missing portion with canned salmon, then returned to her guests. As everyone enjoyed the fish, the maid summoned the hostess into the kitchen again.
"Ma'am, the cat is dead!"
The frightened hostess felt obliged to inform her guests and suggested everyone go to the hospital together to get their stomachs pumped.
Returning home after their long, expensive, and embarrassing ordeal, she asked the maid where she had put the cat. "Nowhere, Ma'am. It's still out in the street where the car hit it!"
"Ma'am, the cat climbed up on the kitchen counter and ate the middle of the salmon."
Light on her feet, the hostess told her to replace the missing portion with canned salmon, then returned to her guests. As everyone enjoyed the fish, the maid summoned the hostess into the kitchen again.
"Ma'am, the cat is dead!"
The frightened hostess felt obliged to inform her guests and suggested everyone go to the hospital together to get their stomachs pumped.
Returning home after their long, expensive, and embarrassing ordeal, she asked the maid where she had put the cat. "Nowhere, Ma'am. It's still out in the street where the car hit it!"
01-11-2008, 12:54 AM
Nice application Crossbones!!! You might really want to hang onto that until your daughter's get older! lol
01-12-2008, 05:09 PM
A trip to the zoo!!
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand
and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by
puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and
the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake
the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her
straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,"
he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and
he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to
the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage
door shut. "Now. Tell HIM you have a headache ."
A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,
they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.
He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand
and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.
He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by
puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and
the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake
the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her
straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,"
he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and
he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to
the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage
door shut. "Now. Tell HIM you have a headache ."
01-12-2008, 10:12 PM
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards him.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says, as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
He agrees.
They had a wonderful, wild time having hot, passionate sex, talking, having hot, passionate sex, talking some more, and having hot, passionate sex.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed! Everything had been sooo incredible!
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, " she replies. ..... "You just happened to catch my eye."
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards him.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says, as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
He agrees.
They had a wonderful, wild time having hot, passionate sex, talking, having hot, passionate sex, talking some more, and having hot, passionate sex.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed! Everything had been sooo incredible!
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, " she replies. ..... "You just happened to catch my eye."
01-15-2008, 11:41 AM
A blonde in financial trouble decided to raise money by kidnapping a child.
She went to a park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree, and wrote this note: "I kidnapped your child. I'm sorry, but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the statue in the park by 7 a.m.. Signed, A Blonde."
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park, and found a brown bag behind the statue with $10,000 in it.
Inside the bag, beside the cash, was another note: "Here's your money. I can't believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
She went to a park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree, and wrote this note: "I kidnapped your child. I'm sorry, but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the statue in the park by 7 a.m.. Signed, A Blonde."
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park, and found a brown bag behind the statue with $10,000 in it.
Inside the bag, beside the cash, was another note: "Here's your money. I can't believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
01-18-2008, 09:57 AM
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." She then told her husband what the druggist said to her.
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist, and demand an apology.
Before he could say more then a word or two, the druggist said, "Now just a minute! Listen to my side of it."
"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I had locked the house and the house and car keys were inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
"Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.
"When I finally got to the store there were a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened, and started waiting on these people. All the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook. I had to break open a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer. That made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up. When I finally got to answer it, it was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a RECTAL thermometer. And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"
Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist, and demand an apology.
Before he could say more then a word or two, the druggist said, "Now just a minute! Listen to my side of it."
"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I had locked the house and the house and car keys were inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
"Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.
"When I finally got to the store there were a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened, and started waiting on these people. All the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook. I had to break open a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer. That made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up. When I finally got to answer it, it was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a RECTAL thermometer. And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"
01-20-2008, 12:55 AM
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
[B]"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the **** is he, then?" he demands.
She whispers in his ear "That's me before the surgery."[/B]
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
[B]"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.
"Well, who in the **** is he, then?" he demands.
She whispers in his ear "That's me before the surgery."[/B]
If you need assistance feel free to e-mail me at:
[email=phs1986@bluegrassrivals.com]phs1986@bluegrassrivals.com[/email]
01-28-2008, 10:26 PM
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides
to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides
to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
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