[BFritz]

[b]I agree with all of these, especially number 3, and, eventually, I'm going to try and do something about it (run for Congress or President or something)[/b]
[b][/b]
[b]1. [/b][b]Andy Rooney on Monica.[/b]
Can you believe it? Monica turned 29 this week.

It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.

[b]2.[/b][font=Ari!][font='Ari!'][b] Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.[/font][/font][/b]

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."[b] [/b]

[b]3.[/b][b] Andy Rooney on Prisoners.[/b]

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think th! ey should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want t! o run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.[b] [/b]

[b]4.[/b][b] Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.[/b]

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring.! But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.

[b]5.[/b][b] Andy Rooney on morning differences.[/b]

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. ! We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

[b]6.[/b][b]Andy Rooney on cripes[/b][b] [/b]

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?[b] [/b]

[b]7.[/b][b] Rooney on Grandma[/b]

My grand! mother has a bumper sticker on her car

that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.[b] [/b]

[b]8.[/b][b] Rooney on answering machines.[/b]

Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." BEEP

"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your! test results are back. Stop sharing the love.."

[BurntTires]

good ones...lol

[98]

Andy Rooney really said none of these. Check out snopes.com for the proof.

[BFritz]

Andy Rooney really said none of these. Check out snopes.com for the proof.

That wasn't the point, I don't even know who Andy Rooney is (i just looked it up, I knew the name, but couldn't place who he was), the point is that they all made sense, and address problems that should be fixed.

[BCF4L]

Definitely liked the last one.

[thetribe]

Those are funny regardless of who made them up.

[BFritz]

Those are funny regardless of who made them up.

EXACTLY

[Old School]

Good ones!!!!

[BC75]

Those are great.

[Amun-Ra]

[b]3.[/b][b] Andy Rooney on Prisoners.[/b]

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think th! ey should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want t! o run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

that is the best solution i have ever heard... Run on treadmills......lol:lmao:

[football05]

Those are good I like the last one as well and the one about the prisoners