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02-23-2005, 11:27 AM
My First Time
The sky was dark,
The moon was high,
All alone,
Just her and I.
Her hair so soft,
Her legs so fine,
I ran me fingers,
down her spine.
I didnt know how,
I tried my best,
To touch her breast.
I remembered my fear,
But slowly she spread,
Her legs apart,
And when she did,
I felt no shame.
All at once,
The white stuff came out!
At last. It's finished.
It's all over...
My first time,
Milking a cow.
* Gotcha :lol: :lol: :lol:
The sky was dark,
The moon was high,
All alone,
Just her and I.
Her hair so soft,
Her legs so fine,
I ran me fingers,
down her spine.
I didnt know how,
I tried my best,
To touch her breast.
I remembered my fear,
But slowly she spread,
Her legs apart,
And when she did,
I felt no shame.
All at once,
The white stuff came out!
At last. It's finished.
It's all over...
My first time,
Milking a cow.
* Gotcha :lol: :lol: :lol:
02-23-2005, 12:53 PM
lol that was funny
02-23-2005, 04:39 PM
HAHA. I got one
Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck
1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.
Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck
1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.
02-23-2005, 06:50 PM
ok good i do not think i am a redneck
02-23-2005, 07:36 PM
i liked BPs thats classic i love it
02-23-2005, 08:56 PM
That's the funny part Beef. He probably wrote it knowing that you would have your mind in the gutter, then he threw ya off by saying what he did lol..and making ya feel stupid lol
02-23-2005, 08:58 PM
yeah it does make u feel like what the crap lol
02-23-2005, 09:03 PM
Beef Wrote:BP...you probably wrote that with another thought in mind then realized that it ws dirty so you changed it when you got to the end....but it was still really funny!!
Actually, It was never dirty.....Never intended it to be.
Get your mind out of the gutter.... :lol: :lol: :lol:
02-24-2005, 08:29 AM
Ive heard that somewhere though....It was a little different. I heard one about a tanning bed or something haha
02-24-2005, 09:56 AM
A little boy goes into the drug store
puts a box of tampons on the counter
and tells the clerk he wants to buy
them for his little brother as a birthday
present.
The puzzled clerk asks him how
old his little brother is and the boy
tells him Johnny is 5.
The clerk grins and tells him that
Johnny would probably like a baseball
or a water pistol much better.
The little boy says, nope, I want this.
The TV commercial said if you use these
you can swim and ride a bicycle. And
Johnny can't do either one of those things.
puts a box of tampons on the counter
and tells the clerk he wants to buy
them for his little brother as a birthday
present.
The puzzled clerk asks him how
old his little brother is and the boy
tells him Johnny is 5.
The clerk grins and tells him that
Johnny would probably like a baseball
or a water pistol much better.
The little boy says, nope, I want this.
The TV commercial said if you use these
you can swim and ride a bicycle. And
Johnny can't do either one of those things.
02-24-2005, 10:48 AM
That's a good one Bat
02-24-2005, 01:56 PM
the was pretty funny Bat
02-24-2005, 03:29 PM
haah that is pretty good Bat
02-24-2005, 08:51 PM
Another Old Favorite:
Two boys, twin brothers, John and Bill wake up on the morning
of their 10th birthday. As they are getting dressed, they talk about how old they are getting. They decide since they are getting up there in years, it seems only right that they begin to start cussing.
John: "When should we start?"
Bill: "I think we should start at breakfast"
John: "I think I'll say hell, what about you?"
Bill: "I think I'll say a$s.
So they go downstairs and take a seat at the table. Their mom is in the kitchen humming a tune and she sweetly wishes them happy birthday and asks them what they want for breakfast.
With a wink to his brother, John says "Ah, hell mom, just gimme some Cheerios"
Without even thinking, Mom backhands John right across the mouth, knocking him backwards out of his chair. He is laying there, bleeding from the nose and mouth, and crying.
Mom then looks at Bill and asks just as sweetly what he would like for breakfast.
Bill sneaks a peek at his brother. Pauses for a second. And then says "I don't know, Mom, but you can bet your a$s it ain't gonna be Cheerios"
Two boys, twin brothers, John and Bill wake up on the morning
of their 10th birthday. As they are getting dressed, they talk about how old they are getting. They decide since they are getting up there in years, it seems only right that they begin to start cussing.
John: "When should we start?"
Bill: "I think we should start at breakfast"
John: "I think I'll say hell, what about you?"
Bill: "I think I'll say a$s.
So they go downstairs and take a seat at the table. Their mom is in the kitchen humming a tune and she sweetly wishes them happy birthday and asks them what they want for breakfast.
With a wink to his brother, John says "Ah, hell mom, just gimme some Cheerios"
Without even thinking, Mom backhands John right across the mouth, knocking him backwards out of his chair. He is laying there, bleeding from the nose and mouth, and crying.
Mom then looks at Bill and asks just as sweetly what he would like for breakfast.
Bill sneaks a peek at his brother. Pauses for a second. And then says "I don't know, Mom, but you can bet your a$s it ain't gonna be Cheerios"
02-24-2005, 10:21 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol: That was good
02-26-2005, 12:02 AM
MEN VS. WOMEN
MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup..
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: ... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like,"Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."
ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup..
CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: ... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.
THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like,"Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."
ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
02-28-2005, 01:53 AM
LOL!!!....that last one was a good one Bat. I've got one for everyone......
Q: what can a bird do that a man can't??
A: whistle through his pecker.
Q: what can a bird do that a man can't??
A: whistle through his pecker.
02-28-2005, 02:30 AM
Haha...I got one...
Q. Why cant helen keller drive?
A. Because shes a woman!
No offense Ladies..
Q. Why cant helen keller drive?
A. Because shes a woman!
No offense Ladies..
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