A popular Des Moines Barber shop had a new robotic barber installed. A fellow came in for a haircut. As the
robot began to cut his hair it asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to
make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and
said, "This is really cool."
Later, another gent came in for a haircut and the robot asked him as it began the haircut, "What's your IQ?" The
man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to
himself, Wow, this is really cool."
Later on, a third guy came in to the barbershop. As with the others, the robot barber asked him, "What's your
IQ?" The man replied, "70." The robot then said, "So, I understand you Democrats are really excited about
Hillary running for president?
Add more if you have them.
This pretty much sums up Democrats:
This is the great republicans for you-
Maybe the zombie gynecologists could ptractice their love with Zombie women.
thecavemaster Wrote:Maybe the zombie gynecologists could ptractice their love with Zombie women.
I don't know. Maybe.
Here are a few.
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.
A small boy was asked by his teacher, "What is the size of the Democratic Party?" "About 5 feet 2 inches," he replied promptly. "NO!" exploded the teacher.. "I mean, how MANY members does it have? How did you get 5 feet 2 inches?" "Well," replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall and every night he puts his hands to his chin and says.. "I've had it up to HERE with the Democratic Party!"
Question - What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
Answer - A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Question - What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
Answer - A competent liberal President.
Question - Why do the male members of the Kennedy family cry while having sex?
Answer - Mace.
Question - Who was the first liberal Democrat?
Answer - Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been and did it all on borrowed money.
Question - How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer - None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the lightbulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)"
Question - How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer - One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.
Question - How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer - Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.
Question - How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer - None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment.
Question - How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer - They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.
Liberals are like seagulls: all they do is squawk, eat crap, and they are protected by the government.
What is the definition of a Democrat:
A Republican who hasnt been robbed yet.
Three contractors are bidding on the job to fix a broken fence at the White House.
One is from Minnesota, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from Chicago. All three meet with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, he just leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$4,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$2000 for me, $2000 for you, and we hire that idiot from Kentucky to fix the fence."
"Done! You got the job!" replies the White House official.
And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.
Democrat Jokes and One-Liners
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Democrat in the road?
A: Vultures will eat the skunk.
Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a lawyer?
A: Chelsea.
Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have.
Q: Why should Democrats be buried 100 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're really good people.
Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
Q: Why did God create Democrats?
A: In order to make used car salesmen look good.
Q: What is a recent Democrat graduate's usual question in his first job?
A: What would you like to have with your french fries, sir?
Q. How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it really gets screwed.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!
They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.
How do you starve a democrat?
Hide his foodstamps under his work boots.
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican .
"I am," replied the man.
"How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist.
"How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
:Clap: :Clap:
ImagineThat! Wrote:A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican .
"I am," replied the man.
"How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist.
"How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir.."
The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says, "Excellent trade, sir."
ImagineThat! Wrote:Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says: "Nice pigs, sir.."
The President replies "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says, "Excellent trade, sir."
haha
To Be A Democrat You Have To Believe That…
Virtually anyone can be a Democrat. Just simply quit thinking and vote that way. But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some prerequisites you must have first. Compare the below and see how you rate.
1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can’t teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth’s climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
9. You have to believe that hunters don’t care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinmen are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren’t.
16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn’t worked anywhere it’s been tried, is because the right people haven’t been in charge.
18. You have to believe Republicans telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.
19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
jetpilot Wrote:To Be A Democrat You Have To Believe Thatâ¦
Virtually anyone can be a Democrat. Just simply quit thinking and vote that way. But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some prerequisites you must have first. Compare the below and see how you rate.
1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
2. You have to believe that the same teacher who canât teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earthâs climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
9. You have to believe that hunters donât care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinmen are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides arenât.
16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasnât worked anywhere itâs been tried, is because the right people havenât been in charge.
18. You have to believe Republicans telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.
19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
Ohhhhh....but my republican joke was a rant
hh:....hmmmm....what's this
^It's a rant for you since you think they're funny.:biggrin:
jetpilot Wrote:^It's a rant for you since you think they're funny.:biggrin:
I like the whole "you might be...." jokes...don't hate :biggrin:
I received this in the mail today.
American Medical Association
Research Breakthrough
The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect US wildlife.
Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democratic Party ... as they have apparently learned to just sit and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance.
This photo is of a Democrat black bear in Montana, nick-named " Bearack Obearma."
sherman14 Wrote:A popular Des Moines Barber shop had a new robotic barber installed. A fellow came in for a haircut. As the
robot began to cut his hair it asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to
make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and
said, "This is really cool."
Later, another gent came in for a haircut and the robot asked him as it began the haircut, "What's your IQ?" The
man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to
himself, Wow, this is really cool."
Later on, a third guy came in to the barbershop. As with the others, the robot barber asked him, "What's your
IQ?" The man replied, "70." The robot then said, "So, I understand you Democrats are really excited about
Hillary running for president?
Add more if you have them.
70 would be about 5 points above the IQ of the people that voted for that half-dead McCain, with a chace of getting that idiot from Alaska as our President.
TheRealVille Wrote:70 would be about 5 points above the IQ of the people that voted for that half-dead McCain, with a chace of getting that idiot from Alaska as our President.
Whatever makes you sleep better at night...
I RECIEVED THIS TODAY......YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THIS RANCHER'S OUTLOOK & COMMON SENSE APPROACH TO LIFE .
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our president.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.
The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dummy put him up there to begin with'.
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago, nothing is moving North or South, suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, what happened, what's the hold up? Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hilary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Oprah Winfrey, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom, otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.
The driver asks, on average, how much is everyone giving?
The man say's.....about a gallon!
TheRealVille Wrote:70 would be about 5 points above the IQ of the people that voted for that half-dead McCain, with a chace of getting that idiot from Alaska as our President.
I feel better voting for McCain and Palin than a Muslim and an idiot like Biden. More scary than Palin as President is a chain of succession that contains Biden, Pelosi and Robert Byrd.
THOMCAT Wrote:I feel better voting for McCain and Palin than a Muslim and an idiot like Biden. More scary than Palin as President is a chain of succession that contains Biden, Pelosi and Robert Byrd.
:Thumbs: