Bluegrassrivals

A SHORT FAIRY TALE...........

During a trial, in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God. The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well spoken and poised.

The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both attorneys to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail."

Two businessmen were taking a break while setting up their soon-to-open store's shelving units. There they sat, in the middle of nothing but empty shelves.

One said, "I bet any minute now some smart aleck will stick his head in the door and ask what we're selling."

Within minutes, a man did just that, "Hey, boys. Whacha sellin'?"

One businessmen responded sarcastically, "We're selling arseholes."

Without missing a beat, the man rejoined, "Looks like business is good; ya only got two left!"

The Irishman told the bartender, "Bring me a glass of Les, please."

"'Les?' Never heard of that one," replied the barkeep.

"What? Sure you have."

"No, really, I don't stock it. What is it? Foreign beer?"

"Not sure," replied the Irishman. "My doctor mentioned it at my last physical. He told me to 'Drink Les!'"

[B]Subject:[/B] [B]A Very Short Story[/B]


[B]Man driving down road.[/B]
[B][B][B]Woman driving up same road.[/B]
[B]They pass each other.[/B]
[B]The woman yells out the window, PIG![/B]
[B]Man yells out window, BITCH![/B]
[B]Man rounds next curve.[/B]
[B]Crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.[/B]



[/B][/B]
Thought For the Day: If only men would listen

1. Understanding Women (A Man's Perspective)


I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a small spider.

The Marriage Seminar


While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife, Grace, listened to the instructor, who said, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

Then, addressing Tom he asked, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched Grace's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

Cigarettes and Tampons


A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

Confused, the salesgirl says, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

"You see, it's like this," he said. "Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers because it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she!"

Got this in a txt msg. today:
I'm trying to get a job at a mental instituition. They said I need 24 hours of experience with someone mentally ill. You wanna hang out?

Fruit Packers

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial.

First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explains the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in, but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doin' just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!"

Yeah, Right! A farmer goes to his local farm equipment store and tells the salesman he wants to buy a milking machine.

"Certainly, sir. Right this way," says the salesman. "How many cows will you be milking?"

"Just one," says the farmer.

"Oh," says the salesman. "Well, sir, I really wouldn't recommend a milking machine for only one cow. You could milk three cows by hand in the time it would take you to set up the machine and clean it afterwards."

"I said I want a milking machine. Now, are you going to sell me one, or not?" the farmer replies indignantly.

"Well, sure, I'll sell you one if that's what you want. Just making sure, that's all," says the salesman.

The salesman shows the farmer the milking machines and the farmer picks one out, after reiterating to the salesman that, yes, he really does want the machine even though he only has one cow. After he's rung up the sale, the salesman's curiosity gets the best of him. "Sir, if you don't mind my asking, why are you so insistent on buying this milking machine even after all I've said?"

"Well," says the farmer, "I got a new cow a couple of weeks ago. The first time I tried to milk her, I tried from the left side and she put her left foot in the bucket. The next day, I tried milking her from the right side and she put her right foot in the bucket. Then the next day, I tried milking her from behind and she put her tail in the bucket. The next day, being fed up, I tied her left leg to the left side of the barn, her right leg to the right side of the barn, and her tail to the rafter. Now if you can convince my wife that all I wanted to do was milk that cow, I won't need this milking machine."

The Better Invention

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention the car, changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

So Henry Ford thinks about it and says, "I want to hang out with Adam, the first man." St. Peter points Adam out to Ford.

When Ford gets to Adam, Ford asks "Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?"

Adam says, "Yes, with a little help from God."

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention : 1) There is too much front end protrusion; 2) It chatters at high speeds; 3) The rear end wobbles too much; and 4) the intake is too close to the exhaust."

"Hmm," says Adam, "Hold on." Adam goes to the celestial computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper and Adam reads it.

He then says to Ford, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to the stellar
computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Slap Happy

A young Marine and his commanding officer climbed on board a train headed through the mountains of Switzerland. The only place they could find to sit was right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it became obvious that the young woman and the young soldier were interested in each other, but the young woman kept glancing nervously at her grandmother.

Soon the train passed into a pitch black tunnel. There was the sound of a passionate kiss followed by the sound of a stinging slap. When the train emerged from the tunnel, the four sat there without saying a word.

The grandmother thought to herself: "It was very brash for that young soldier to kiss my granddaughter, and I'm glad she slapped him."

The commanding officer sat there thinking: "I figured he'd try to steal a kiss, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the soldier kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a fellow have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time!"

The Bag Man

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job--if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.

The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the collector and ask him where the money is. The guy can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags him to an interpreter.

The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

A man goes into a bar looking very depressed and orders a drink. As soon as it hits the bar, the man shoots it down and orders another. The sympathetic bartender asks, "Anything you want to talk about?"

The depressed man replies, "Well, for the last couple of months, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So today, I took off work early and decided to surprise her and come home for lunch. I caught her screwing my best friend."

"Wow," replied the bartender. "If you don't mind my asking, what do you say to your best friend in that situation?"

The man replied, "I looked him right in the eye, and I yelled, BAD DOG!"

Two immigrants, on their first day in America, are wandering around seeing the sights of New York City. One spots a street vendor selling "Hot Dogs" and says in a shocked tone, "My God, do they eat dogs in America?"

"I don't know," says the other, equally appalled.

"Well," says the first, "we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do." They approach the vendor bravely. "Two, please." The vendor hands them their food in a pair of paper sacks.

The immigrants sit on a park bench to eat their lunch. One looks inside his sack and turns to the other and says, "Uh, which part of the dog did you get?"

The Mother Of All Coincidences

Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence," the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence, " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she went to the third man who had become quiet and had gone to sit in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consiousness.

When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly, the same phrase over and over again.

"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up...I should have never taken that job at 7-Up...I should have never taken that job at 7-Up..."

Man A is driving and Man B is passenger. Man A comes to a traffic light and its red. Without hesitation he hits the gas and runs the redlight. Man B looks over and says...."you just ran a redlight.' Man A replies..."thats ok, my brother does it all the time."
They come to a second traffic light and its also red. Once again without hesitation Man A runs it. Man B says...."thats twice now you have ran redlights." Man A replies...."my brother does it all the time."

Continuing down the road they approach a traffic light and its green. Man A uses both feet, slamming on the brake and coming to a screetching hault just before they get to the green light. Man B (eyes wide open and heart racing) looks over and says....."You run 2 redlights and when you finally come to one thats green, you almost get us killed slamming on the brakes.....what gives?" Man A replies....."I'm afraid my brother might be coming down the other street."

A man walked into a bar with a duffel bag, he sits down and pulls out a 12-inch pianist. The man next to him asks why are you carrying around a 12-inch pianist, the man reply's saying I found a vase with a Gennie inside it and it had told me I had one wish and it would be granted, the man next to him replied, do you have the vase with you? The man says yes I do. He hands the vase next to him and the man opens it with an older looking Gennie coming out, the Gennie asked what is your wish? "I want a million bucks." At that moment a million ducks come flying threw the bar, and the man at the bar asks, why is there a million ducks? I asked for a million bucks, the man then reply's do you think I wished for a 12-inch pianist.

From The Redneck Annals

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."

The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping, too."

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage, and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito, and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna, and jumps to his death, also.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He always made his own lunch."

Have you ever seen a picture of Helen Keller's House?









Neither Has She

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able
to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I
haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached
the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched
at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a
farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:


Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Heaven

The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven.

At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven!" cried out Suzy.

"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the preacher.

"Dead!" yelled Little Johnny.

According to the Alaska Department of Fish & Game, both male female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year.

Males drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, while females keep theirs until the spring.

Therefore, according to everything we've seen, every one of those reindeer on Santa's team is FEMALE.

This prompted my wife to say, "You should have known this when they were able to find their way."

Q. What do you call a fish with no eyes?



A. A fsh.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" the man asks.

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What?" exclaims the man. "Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No," says the vet, "because he's really heavy."

> This is toooo cute!! LOLOL....

KIDS IN CHURCH
>
> 3-year-old Reese: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.
> Amen."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy,
> don't worry about it.
> I'm having a real good time like I am."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way
> home in the back seat of the car.
> His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That
> preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay
> with you guys."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we
> forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were o n the way to church
> service,
> "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl
> replied, "Because people are sleeping."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys
> began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
> Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting
> here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin
> turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up
> to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
> where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son
> asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
> The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their
> six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I
> wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy
> say," the wife answered.
> The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these
> people to dinner?"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of it one day by driving it 20 blocks from his home and leaving it at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat farther and farther and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife, "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put it on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Midee1 Wrote:During a trial, in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God. The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well spoken and poised.

The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."

The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both attorneys to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail."

Ha Ha... man this is a good one...