Bluegrassrivals

anyone have any good jokes???

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".
He never heard the shot..

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
" Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
" Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?"
"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

I was driving my car to work and I came to a stop sign I slowed way down and then proceeded. Out of no where a cop shows up and pulls me over he comes to the car and said son did you see that stop sign Off course I did I stopped. NO you slowed down you didnt stop,then it was on, Its the same thing I explained, the officers temper flairs get out off the car sir so I get out and he pulls out his night stick and starts beating the holy crap out off me with his night stick, and as he is hitting me he yells well do you want me to slow down or stop!!!!! point taken.

Q - Why are the Washington Redskins the only NFL team without a website?
A - They can’t string together three “W’s” under ANY circumstances!!

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in! the closet. "Who are YOU?" he asked.
"I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator.
" What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."
" Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
" Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

There were two carrots walking down the road, a big carrot and a little carrot. On the other side of the road they see their friend cabbage in his cabbage patch.
Big carrot says: "Let's go visit cabbage on the other side of the road."
Little carrot says: "But there is so much traffic here I'm afraid I might get run over."
Big carrot says: "Nonsense, just wait for a break in the traffic and run as fast as you can."
Big carrot sees a break in the traffic and runs over to cabbage. He then calls to is friend to try. Little carrot gets ready, sees a break in the traffic and runs across the road. Unfortunately there was a
big truck coming and little carrot gets squashed in the middle of the road. Big carrot feels really bad and scoops his friend up and takes him to the hospital. The doctors perform emergency surgery.
After several hours the doctor comes out. "I have some good news and some bad news."
Big carrot says: "Ok doc, go ahead, I can take it."
The doctor says, "Well the good news is that your friend is going to live, but the bad news is he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

Two "blonde" girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it. Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.

"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the seventy year old man after the examination.
"I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint. My sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?"
The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped. "My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."
"Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the seventy-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"
"These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."

Several men are in the locker room of a golf country club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, go ahead and make them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Amy, a nice & proper blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"
So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one..... right here."
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Amy explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants on..."

Q:What do you call the sweat made when two rednecks make love?
A:Relative humidity!

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.
The pharmacist asked "How many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy.
The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore.
I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes.

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. ? She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see? you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.? Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it...."

2 pretzels were walking down the street... 1 got asSALTed... haha i heard it on tv

A pirate walks into a bar, steering wheel down his pants. Bartender says, "Pirate, you've got a steering wheel down your pants." Pirate replied, "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

My gosh midde your all over it arent you haha i got one:
Subject: A Kentuckian in Hell A guy from Kentucky dies and goes to Hell. He had been a horrible man all his life. The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it even worse, he cranks up the temperature and humidity. After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Kentuckian is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up to him and says "I don't understand this! I've turned the heat way up, it's humid and you're crushing rocks. Why are you so happy?" The Kentuckian, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Lexington. Hot, humid and a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!" The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Kentuckian's remarks. He then decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential winds. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing in his eyes, the Kentuckian is happily slogging through the mud pushing a
wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks. Again, the devil asks how he can be so happy in such awful conditions. The Kentuckian, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It's just like April in Kentucky. It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!" Now the devil is completely baffled. He is more determined than ever to make the Kentuckian suffer. He then makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly, Hell is blanketed in feet of snow and ice. Confident that this will finally make the Kentuckian unhappy, he checks in on him again. He is again aghast at what he sees! the guy is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in utter glee. "How can you be so happy? Don't you know it's 40 below zero?" screams the devil. Jumping up and down the Kentuckian throws a snowball at the devil and yells "Hell is frozen over!! This means the Wildcats are going to a Bowl game!!" :goofy:

a guy was at this bar and he saw this pirate with a pegleg eyepatch and a hook for a hand. he asked him how he got his pegleg and he said, arrgh i got it shot off in spain. he asked about the hook and he said, got it bitten off by sharks in the bahamas, well what about ur eyepatch, arrgh 1 of me crew mutinied and i made him walk the plank, he spit in me eye. huh, he spit in ur eye and you need an eyepatch? it was the day after i got me hook

A termite walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Is the bar tender here?"

A pink elephant walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you." The elephant replies, "You have a drink named Clarence?"

haha Most of those are pretty good.

This guys father dies and he tells the undertaker he wants the absolute best for his father, and he says ok. The guy was too busy to go to the funeral and he gets a bill for $16,000, so he pays it. The next month he gets a bill for $85.000 and he pays it. Then the next month he gets another bill for $85.00 and he pays it again. Then the next month he gets another bill for $85.00, so he calls the undertaker up and says hey why do I kepp getting a bill for $85.00? Then the undertaker says well, you wanted the best for your father, so I rented him a tux.